Monday, March 19, 2012

CBP, Anyone?

My loyal reader(s) know that one of my obsessions is stupid job announcements. I have railed against their many idiocies in several posts here.

Well, here's a new one. Job announcements that assume you know every abbreviation and acronym that could possibly apply to the job in question. And I have a beaut here. It's an ad for a job taking old inventory off of store shelves, and it lists "CBP" as one of the preferred qualifications.

What could CBP mean? Naturally, I went to the interwebs, where I found a very fine list of meanings for CBP. I began by assuming that the "C" stood for certified, but I only found these certifications, none of which seemed quite right, and one of which was definitely a little off.
• Certified Benefits Professional
• Certified Building Professional
• Certified Bodytalk Practitioner

So, undaunted, I broadened my search criteria, and started looking for meanings that were suitably businessy. There were a lot of them. I think this list can be enjoyed for its joie de rien dire, an old French phrase I just invented that means its "joy in saying nothing."
Canadian Business Patterns, which are very friendly, I'm sure;
Commodity Business Plan, sometimes narrowed down to
Case Based Planning, which, if truly rigorous, must become
Capability Based Planning;
Then there's the Collaborative Business Process,
and its opposite, the
Critical Business Process, and either way, you often end up with merely a
Common Business Process;
and finally, Consumer Best Practices—this might be the one, actually: keeping stock rotated?

Sorting through the list of CBP meanings took much longer than it should have, because of the distractions along the way.

For example, technical terms abounded, the most intriguing of which was "cold-ball pull" (I leave it to your imagination).

The list contained many Frenchisms, which emphasized sports:
Club de Badminton de Perenchies
• Club de Billard de Plainpalais
• Club de Badminton de Provins
• Club de Badminton Pringy

and then, presumably, the French stumble to the Comptoir Boulangerie P√Ętisserie (Bread and Pastry Counter)

I was truly gripped by the many terrifying diseases, all of which are abbreviated CBP:
• Chronic Benzene Poisoning
• Colorblindness, Partial, Protan Series
• Contagious Bovine Pleuropneumonia
• Chronic Back Pain
• Cirrhose Biliaire Primitive (French: Primary Biliary Cirrhosis)
• Chronic Bacterial Prostatitis

Doctor: Mrs. Brown, I'm sorry to tell you your husband has CBP.
Mrs. Brown: Oh, but…?
Doctor: Hmm?
Mrs. Brown: But I thought you couldn't catch Contagious Bovine Pleuropneumonia more than once?
Doctor: What? No, you're quite right..
Mrs. Brown: Well, I can't think where he would have been exposed to benzene on a regular basis…
Doctor: I assure you, CBP has nothing to do with benzene, ma'am. No, it's caused by a bacterium, as the name suggests.
Mrs. Brown: Oh!
Doctor: Of course, it explains the CBP he's been complaining about. Yes, that's a matter of referred pain, of course. Naturally, the tests ruled out CBP—although, at his age, he should be cutting back on the foie gras anyway… By the way, did you know he had CBP?
Mrs. Brown: Really?
Doctor: Yes, it's no big deal if he's gotten this far with it. Anyway, your sex life should pick up in a few weeks when the antibiotics have knocked out the CBP.

I think I'll apply for the job anyway.

Thanks to for the fertile ground.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Searching for the Gold Car

As I was about to put my key in the trunk of a gold car that was not mine in the King Soopers lot yesterday, I observed an older woman with her car keys and groceries in hand, walking between rows of cars looking anxiously left and right. I went up to her and said, "I just got a younger roommate, and he remembers where the car is every time!"

She smiled and said, "Oh, I just found mine!" Like an Easter egg hunt every time you shop.

A young man watched this whole thing with a smile on his face. An observer, a student of human nature, a novelist, I'm convinced.