Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Twelve Lies and a Truth

People have asked me which of my postings is fiction and which is opinion. In response I have written the following. I hope it clears up the confusion.

  1. My whole life has been one long stasis.
  2. I have been married since I was 16 to a short, stocky, Italian man who smells like testosterone.
  3. Testosterone is not an Italian word.
  4. I have never known disappointment, disillusionment, discouragement or crème de menthe.
  5. I once slept with a call girl on her night off.
  6. She had a squint, gold rings halfway up her arms, and wore jasmine perfume.
  7. I have never smelled rotting leaves in the New Jersey rain or felt nostalgic for that smell.
  8. At 10 o’clock every night, just as I’m about to go to bed, chimpanzees let themselves in my bedroom window and keep me up for hours, playing poker, fighting, and discussing advances in genomics.
  9. A genome is a little bearded scientist, usually wearing a red knit cap.
  10. It takes me several months to decide whether or not I want to sleep with someone.
  11. Lesbian dating is very simple and straightforward; the rules are crystal clear.
  12. I am usually the neatnik in a relationship.
  13. If we wait long enough, the Twin Towers will rise again and Osama Bin Laden will turn himself in.

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